|Started out as a reply to aries75, but became more...
||[Jul. 12th, 2006|11:59 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind
|||||Assemblage 23 - Lullaby||]|
I believe in a connection to the entire universe. I know that Val and I were connected by a strong bond. Our lives even paralleled before we met, down to cracking our heads open as children at the same time, on the same thing. We always said we shared a brain, because we met online before we met in person and instinctually sought each other out in person without knowing who the other was - we followed each other around an amusement park and when we finally "met," we kept getting physically closer until a mutual friend had to stop us from cracking our heads against each other's. :) It's hard to believe that was 11 years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday.
I remember all of the times - from the laughing hysterically over inside jokes to when he yelled at me when he was in the hospital from a previous attempt. I have to, it's the only way to truly remember him without distorting anything.
Yeah... the last thing I said to him was begging him to call his psychiatrist and telling him how much I believe in him and how strong he really was. I knew he could do it if only he'd look inward and find what I saw in him. I wish I had known he hadn't been taking his meds, I would have reacted more like I always did when I knew he wasn't thinking clearly. He left an automated message on his livejournal, as well as private messages for me and another of our friends. I went to bed before it posted and woke up from a horrible nightmare that he'd killed himself 2 hours later... by that time, our other friend had seen the posting and called 911. We live in California and he lived in Vegas, so we just had to wait. Finally, she had to call in to check because they wouldn't give me any information... I was waiting online to find out what hospital he was in and preparing to drive out there when she said she had bad news. It wasn't like shock, exactly, more like disbelief when I already knew it was true. Weird feeling. It was like I knew the instant it happened, but brushed it off as just a dream because of stress... and then didn't believe it when it was confirmed.
I can't really describe how it's been. I was a complete wreck the first couple of days and then I had to start an externship 3 days after it happened. People around me said that it seemed like I was devoid of life, too. I had to shut down to do what he wanted me to do, which was go on. I held that promise in my head and heart every second, so I would go to work, do my job, and come home and cry all night, for 2 months, while making sure everyone else was ok. By the end of my externship, my hair was falling out, my skin was horrible, I didn't heal from wounds, my mouth was full of canker sores... it was like suffering the effects of chemotherapy. Or, as I thought at the time, like I was decaying.
There was no service, no obituary... nothing. His parents are devout Catholics and they believe that suicides go to hell and cannot be buried in consecrated ground. I think that was the only thing I was angry about, even though he wasn't religious himself. He asked me not to be angry with him for leaving, so I never was. Couldn't be. But I was furious that it seemed like his family was ashamed of him in any way. He was cremated before I even got to talk to his family about anything. I felt robbed of any closure, which probably contributed to my declining physical health.
Right now, I'm writing this more to get the story out to people who are having suicidal thoughts. I know you don't feel it, but people love you and you *can* overcome anything. I will relive this every day of my life if it means that one person gets help. My life isn't only my own, but everyone's who has ever known me. Val touched more people than he would have ever thought possible and we are all grieving. Every time someone gives up, the world becomes a sadder place... and I, for one, will fight that with my very life, by staying alive and going on through anything, because I promised Val I would. Anyway... I've been listening to this song over and over, because it reminds me of Val, love, the beauty of life, and how very important every single person is. Whether you know it or not, you're someone's world.
( Lullaby By Assemblage 23Collapse )