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We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

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replies apreciated [Oct. 1st, 2006|02:12 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind
nrm_4
Hi! i had a very good friend of mine commit suicide in May. I'm wondering how ya'll think the media portrays suicide, If you could answer some of my questions that would be great!!! If there are any other sites you think might help me those would help too. THANKS!! :) ... If anyone would like to talk about anything else on the topic of suicide Im open for discussion, just message me.

1. Why are you involved in the issue of suicide, like experiences?

2. How do you get your news about it?

3. How does the news portray suicide differently than your experience?

4. What kind of misconceptions do you think people have about suicide?

5. Are there any specific news accounts that have struck you as extremely accurately or inaccurately about suicide and how can i find them?

6. How do you think suicide could be better covered?
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replys appreciated :) [Sep. 29th, 2006|02:04 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind
nrm_4
Hi! I'm doing an paper on suicide for a class. I chose this topic because i had a very good friend of mine commit suicide in May. I'm wondering how ya'll think the media portrays suicide. If you could answer some of my questions that would be great!!! THANKS!! :) ... If anyone would like to talk about anything else on the topic of suicide Im open for discussion, just message me.

Any help i can get would be very much appreciated

1. Why are you involved in the issue of suicide, like experiences?

2. How do you get your news about it?

3. How does the news portray suicide differently than your experience?

4. What kind of misconceptions do you think people have about suicide?

5. Are there any specific news accounts that have struck you as extremely accurately or inaccurately about suicide and how can i find them?

6. How do you think suicide could be better covered?
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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2006|05:09 am]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

bluefireeyes
Hi, I stumbled across this community and thought it would be great to join because it's new and people are actually updating.

My name is Grace and I'm 20 years old. My best friend at college, Lani, killed herself July 11th. She was bipolar and never gave anyone a clue about how bad she was feeling. All of those warnings listed in pamphlets and on websites don't apply to her. She jumped nine stories off of the roof of a parking garage around the corner from our school. We used to go up there to look at the Philly skyline. I have to pass by every day, and that day I was unlucky enough to walk by 15 minutes after she jumped. I saw her body with a white sheet over it. I didn't know it was her at the time and made the connection a few hours later when her father called, saying he hadn't seen her since around the time I walked by. I had called her fifteen minutes after she did it.

This has been so hard for me to deal with. On top of losing Lani, my best friend from home was killed in January in a car accident. Her boyfriend cut her off and she crashed. Lani died six months and three days after Nicole. I had talked to her on the six month anniversary and told her that I finally was feeling happy again and that I really thought I would be okay. Life is cruel, isn't it?

I'm so angry. I don't understand why I lost my best friends in half a year and I don't understand why Lani did this to us. She never ever said that things were that bad. She told me that she was still feeling depressed, but I kept telling her that eventually they'd find the right medicene and she'd be fine. Bipolar disorder is actually the easiest mental illness to cure. She just gave up though, and didn't really try. She had only become bipolar in January. It was a slow build-up that led to me calling her parents. She was in a mental institution for two weeks and was released. She had reached a point of mania that was awful...seeing things and talking to herself and all that. The medicene they gave her got that under control but it was followed by horrible depression. I think they had changed her medicene about six times from February to July.

I have trouble talking to my friends about this. To them, it's one person lost and they don't really believe it was Lani making that decision, that it was the disease. I know that Lani wouldn't have done this if she hadn't been sick, but she still made the decision to jump. She wasn't having a manic episode, I know that because I knew how she was when she was like that, and I talked to her every day the week before she did it. She sounded perfectly fine and told me how excited she was to move back to the city. I wonder if she knew she was going to do it when she called me the last time. Now that I think back to our conversation it was so weird. We talked about doing laundry in laundromats. I was in one for the first time. I've been scared to go back ever since.

I keep searching for some clue or some understanding to this, but I can't find one. I also can't find an answer to why my life has been so incredibly shitty this year. I'm just hoping that all of you will listen to what I have to say and not judge me. Sometimes, late at night (like now, 5am, I don't think I'll make it to work), I need to talk to someone and this seems like my only option.
Thank you for listening.

Also, I was wondering if anyone knew of support groups or hotlines for people who are surviors of suicide or death. I keep looking online and in phonebooks and I haven't had any luck finding something. I go to a counselor every now and then but I think I need the connection of other people who have gone through this.
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(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2006|07:08 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

catalytic_kali
[mood |indescribable]
[music |Evanescence - My Immortal]

Hey... I don't know how many of you visit deviantart.com, but I wrote a short story about Val and me that I'm planning on putting on his memorial CD. Here it is if you want to read it. I tend to only write when it's impossible for me not to - all of my stories and poetry have forced their way out, sometimes without me even knowing what I've written. So now, I tend to just give into the urge to write. *hugs* to everyone.
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(no subject) [Sep. 6th, 2006|08:23 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

catalytic_kali
[mood |okayokay]

Today is Val's birthday. I kept myself busy all day, so it wasn't as hard as I was expecting. I wrote to his mom, they celebrated his birthday with his favorite dinner and cake. I put up a picture of us in my journal and finally put together (again) a gallery of pictures of him, which can be found here. I'm planning on continuing to add more pictures as I get them scanned or people send them to me. All in all... today wasn't so bad.
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Questioning [Aug. 30th, 2006|08:53 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

luciferinchains
I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

Before Lisa's death, I held the opinion that people who used the, "You're selfish!" line with someone who was suicidal were, well... selfish themselves. As I've battled severe depression and suicidal thoughts for most of my life, I've encountered this many, many times... My outward, "spoken" response was, "Yeah, I'm selfish. One more reason for me to put myself out of everyone else's misery." My inward response was, "Look at you! I'm selfish for wanting to end my pain, but I don't see you trying to help- I see you slinging insults and only thinking about YOURS!"

I just couldn't regard suicide as "selfish." And sometimes, when I'm feeling more disconnected from Lisa's suicide, I still feel more pity and compassion for people who are that far down the spiral. I still acknowledge that at THAT level of pain, death would seem MERCIFUL to them.

Yet, when I think about Lisa... I can't do that. I'm just so angry at her. Although I know, logically, that she did this because she was in unbearable pain and couldn't handle it any longer... in my heart I feel like she might as well have shot me too. I feel like she was only considering her own pain, not considering the fact that I, myself, would have travelled the 200 miles to be with her if she'd needed it, the fact that I loved her dearly and would have done ANYTHING to save her.

I feel like she was selfish.

It's jarring to feel this way. This wasn't just a passing, "Oh, this is what I think!" subject for me. This is something I thought long and hard about, something I invested a lot of energy into considering what I believed. This was one of my core beliefs, one of the reasons to invest my energy into being as compassionate as I could... And now I'm feeling something that directly contradicts it.

So now, not only do I feel like an ass for not being more compassionate to her memory, I also feel like a hypocrit. I just don't know how to handle this, I don't know what to think now.

Has anyone else gone through this? Not necessarily with THIS belief, specifically, but any beliefs you held as a fundamental truth. Do you find yourself questioning your beliefs?
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(no subject) [Aug. 30th, 2006|01:01 am]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

domin8ed

My father took his life last October 9th.   Soon it will be one year and after months of feeling like I've been getting somewhere in this grieving process, I feel like when this date comes it's all going to unravel again.  I've tried therapy and I guess it helped a little.  I have the letter he left me but it doesn't answer any of my questions why.   I go through phases feeling like he didn't love us enough to live.  I go through phases where I hate him for doing this to us and then the next minute I miss him so much it hurts.   Every little thing reminds me of him.  

Prior to this I had only lost a couple aquaintences to suicide.  I never understood why people did it and I didn't think it could ever  hit this close to home.  I thought we had the perfect slightly dysfunctional family.  If I had to compare it to a tv show I would say Roseanne because Dan Connor reminds me of my dad a lot actually.  Anyways..I was daddy's little girl, the oldest and I know it's odd but even at this age of well..I was 28 then, I still had no problems crawling over to him and cuddling up against him.  Wanting to be close to my daddy.  He was my protector my teacher my everything.  And in the blink of an eye he was gone.

I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do now.. 

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Well... [Aug. 14th, 2006|10:24 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

luciferinchains
[mood |crushedbetrayed]

It's been a little over a month since I got the news that Lisa was gone.

There's a lot that I'm having trouble with coping with. I've taken to just ignoring that it happened. It might sound cold, but I just want to forget she was ever in my life right now, but I can't. I just can't. It seems that everything reminds me of her. I just edited a portion of a very lengthy story I wrote in which a character is based on her. She wanted "her" character to screw the hero.

So I wrote it that way. Unfortunately, "her" character ends up dying at the end of that particular plotline.

Just one more thing to feel guilty over.

I really, really don't know how to cope. I really don't. People tell me that since it was an internet friendship, to just "get over it- you didn't really know her anyway." This isn't helped by the fact that a lot of the details of her life that she told me about turned out to be false, for whatever reason they were. Personally, I don't believe they were intentional lies. I believe that there was something else going on.

But you know what? Even if she didn't tell me her correct age and name; even if she didn't reveal everything about a relationship I helped her through; even if, even if, even if, that doesn't make the self she showed me in our conversations her REAL one. I'm posting using the name Joshua. That's not my real name. I'm not even posting my actual physical gender.

But what I'm saying here is REAL. What I'm revealing here is my true, genuine self, despite the name I'm posting under.

"Get over it, you didn't really know her anyway."

No one IRL understands. Not one. Single. Goddamn. Person.

I'm alone. And she swore she'd never leave me alone like this.
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A post of Introduction. [Jul. 13th, 2006|04:26 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

sanguineraven
[mood |sadIntrospective]
[music |Anathema - Fragile Dreams]

Greetings to everyone.

Having finally completed the transition from my old journal to this one, I can finally make this introductory post here.

My name is Jon (well, more accurately Jonathan, but most people shorten my long name anyway), although I have gone by a host of different names over time. After reading the posts of those who have already found their way here and being deeply touched by the stories I have thus discovered, I was lead to ask myself about my own experiences with this subject matter - namely suicide, and the marks it leaves in the world behind after its wake.

The first time I was ever put into contact with suicide was a world changing experience to me. Even though the person that departed in that matter was not necessarily as close to me as some of the people who are mourned on this list - Val, Lisa, the mother of one anonymous poster, the cousin of another who left this world with her boyfriend (I have a thought for all of you, people - you will not be forgotten.) - she was a friendly and familiar face, a woman of uttermost kindness. Her life fell into a bottomless pit with one act of desecration that turned her to despair. It is another story to tell, but this is what ultimately destroyed her. Feeling alone and destitute, she took her own life one spring evening, unable to cope with the fact her words were never heard or believed.

The second time I was put into close contact with such a departure was with a friend's father, who was somewhat of a second father to me. I had been friends with his son since a very young age, and spent a tremendous amount of time at their home, to the point where I was jokingly referred to as their "second son". He took his life in 2003, after a divorce and subsequent life events lead him to silent depression. My friend found him, alone, just like he had chosen to leave.

These are parts of me now. (Hélène, Richard... I won't forget you, and this word is for you.) But I also know of another reality, for I am a survivor of suicide myself. Almost nobody has known, not even my own parents or friends. I never went to a hospital, nor bore the marks of my attempt... But I *did* stand on a bridge, looking down at the waters down below, and in that instant, I clearly remember the crushing despair I felt and the utmost desire to end it all. A thought of one person saved me from taking the final step, however.

In the following years, I have told this person about how she had, subconsciously, stayed my hand and saved me. I have since married this person.

And so I find myself here, immediately thinking of coming over after Josh had announced the idea to create this place. One reason is that I want to use the situation I went through - losing people to suicide as well as understanding the reasons that can push someone to think of such things - to help people. I want the things I have gone through to become a symbol of hope, not despair. I want to be able to use these painful memories to bring a certain measure of comfort and peace to others. And if my experiences can prevent someone from taking their lives... Then I will be happier than ever.

The second reason is, I was really happy at the prospect of helping Josh out with this project.Throughout the years, I have gotten to appreciate just how good of a person he is, and many times when I had difficult times Josh was there to listen and bring comfort, even if life wasn't always stellar on his side of th world. So when I heard of the community, I immediately thought to help out besides him.

Well, that is my little part of this big story - and I hope to talk to you more in the future. In the meantime, another warm welcome to all who find their way here.
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Started out as a reply to aries75, but became more... [Jul. 12th, 2006|11:59 pm]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind

catalytic_kali
[mood |indescribable]
[music |Assemblage 23 - Lullaby]

I believe in a connection to the entire universe. I know that Val and I were connected by a strong bond. Our lives even paralleled before we met, down to cracking our heads open as children at the same time, on the same thing. We always said we shared a brain, because we met online before we met in person and instinctually sought each other out in person without knowing who the other was - we followed each other around an amusement park and when we finally "met," we kept getting physically closer until a mutual friend had to stop us from cracking our heads against each other's. :) It's hard to believe that was 11 years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday.

I remember all of the times - from the laughing hysterically over inside jokes to when he yelled at me when he was in the hospital from a previous attempt. I have to, it's the only way to truly remember him without distorting anything.

Yeah... the last thing I said to him was begging him to call his psychiatrist and telling him how much I believe in him and how strong he really was. I knew he could do it if only he'd look inward and find what I saw in him. I wish I had known he hadn't been taking his meds, I would have reacted more like I always did when I knew he wasn't thinking clearly. He left an automated message on his livejournal, as well as private messages for me and another of our friends. I went to bed before it posted and woke up from a horrible nightmare that he'd killed himself 2 hours later... by that time, our other friend had seen the posting and called 911. We live in California and he lived in Vegas, so we just had to wait. Finally, she had to call in to check because they wouldn't give me any information... I was waiting online to find out what hospital he was in and preparing to drive out there when she said she had bad news. It wasn't like shock, exactly, more like disbelief when I already knew it was true. Weird feeling. It was like I knew the instant it happened, but brushed it off as just a dream because of stress... and then didn't believe it when it was confirmed.

I can't really describe how it's been. I was a complete wreck the first couple of days and then I had to start an externship 3 days after it happened. People around me said that it seemed like I was devoid of life, too. I had to shut down to do what he wanted me to do, which was go on. I held that promise in my head and heart every second, so I would go to work, do my job, and come home and cry all night, for 2 months, while making sure everyone else was ok. By the end of my externship, my hair was falling out, my skin was horrible, I didn't heal from wounds, my mouth was full of canker sores... it was like suffering the effects of chemotherapy. Or, as I thought at the time, like I was decaying.

There was no service, no obituary... nothing. His parents are devout Catholics and they believe that suicides go to hell and cannot be buried in consecrated ground. I think that was the only thing I was angry about, even though he wasn't religious himself. He asked me not to be angry with him for leaving, so I never was. Couldn't be. But I was furious that it seemed like his family was ashamed of him in any way. He was cremated before I even got to talk to his family about anything. I felt robbed of any closure, which probably contributed to my declining physical health.

Right now, I'm writing this more to get the story out to people who are having suicidal thoughts. I know you don't feel it, but people love you and you *can* overcome anything. I will relive this every day of my life if it means that one person gets help. My life isn't only my own, but everyone's who has ever known me. Val touched more people than he would have ever thought possible and we are all grieving. Every time someone gives up, the world becomes a sadder place... and I, for one, will fight that with my very life, by staying alive and going on through anything, because I promised Val I would. Anyway... I've been listening to this song over and over, because it reminds me of Val, love, the beauty of life, and how very important every single person is. Whether you know it or not, you're someone's world.

Lullaby By Assemblage 23Collapse )
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