||[Aug. 20th, 2007|11:32 am]
We Love You~A Community for Those Left Behind
Josh...I'm sorry for not joining before now, and for joining when I don't think I'll be on LJ much longer. I just.. |
I didn't want anything to remind me of Lisa more than I already was. For some reason, I didn't even use this journal much to talk about her because this is the one she knew me through and the one through which I still have contact with everyone else from that time... so yeah.. Basically, lots of excuses for being stupid/babyish/selfish/etc.
I'm just so tired of people dying. I feel like I can't deal with this any more. I think about Lisa almost every day, occasionally for a large portion of the day.
Two people died last year, one committed suicide so far this year, and there are two more I'm not sure will make it through the year.
Every time someone dies it isn't just them; it brings up everyone else, especially Lees. I hang out in/moderate communities that have a lot of people that have serious problems. It is getting too hard, but that is where my friends are, people I can't leave. Every time someone dies, I don't just grieve for them... it's kamber, and lisa, and justin, and meghan (although she didn't commit suicide) all over again. Now there is one more to add to the list, and I can't deal with it.
David is the only one who is from my city and I can visit IRL. Part of me wants to, but I don't know why, and I don't know if I can deal with it. I'm scared of going and breaking down in public.
I just can't stop thinking about them. David died August 7th. Almost two weeks, and I've yet to cry. I sit with tears in my eyes and try to shut everything down, or berate myself for not being there. I feel so guilty, and so bad. Despite how long it's been, I still can't even articulate most of what I think or feel about Lisa. Just guilty and sad and a thousand other things I can't figure out.
David is more clear, although I've yet to decide if that is a good thing. It's my fault. I could have helped; I didn't, and he died.
This is just too hard. Everything is too hard. I'm torn between wanting someone to comfort me and wanting to completely distance myself from everyone so that no one can ever hurt me again.